You’re more than your job: How to separate your identity from your social impact work.
This is a very personal topic for me.
Since then, I have read and reflected a lot about identity.
I hope to give you a head start by talking about:
The reasons that our identity is tied up with work;
The two symptoms to identify work enmeshment;
The adverse effects of enmeshment.
The five things you can start doing today to separate your identity from work.
Why is our identity tangled up with your work in social impact?
What do you do?
What was your first instinct in answering this question?
Me too!
We talk about work constantly, reinforcing that our job is key to introducing ourselves and helping others understand us.
It's the society, stupid!
Dominant current culture often emphasizes having a promising career and a high-status job. Money and status become part of the picture: When a job comes with a good salary and a certain level of respect, this can make us feel like our worth is tied to our professional achievements. We might start to define ourselves by our position or wealth.
This dominant culture trickles down into smaller social hierarchies and family systems. From a young age, we're often asked what we want to be when we grow up, which usually means what job we'll have. This conditions us to think of our identity in terms of our future careers.
And depending on where you grew up, your family and community might have placed a high value on specific careers. For example, in coaching conversations with an Indian client, we spent a lot of time separating her feelings of low self-worth, her family's objection to her career choices and her passions and interests for her next career step.
But let's not forget the dominant work culture.
We spend a massive chunk of our lives working = about a third! But if that’s no enough, many company cultures encourage long hours and constant dedication (way beyond the normal hours), sometimes with rewards like bonuses and promotions. The more time we spend working, the less time we have for other things, so work naturally becomes a more significant part of our identity.
Additionally, as more people work from home, the boundaries between work and personal life became less clear, making it easier for work to seep into all aspects of our identity.
But, you say: I do social impact work because I want to.
More so than other careers, individuals who dedicate their time to social impact work find value and a sense of purpose in their jobs. It can feel good to be good at something and to contribute. That feeling becomes linked to our identity.
I also find change-makers are naturally drawn to news, content, people, and work that do good. Wanting to contribute and do good in the world doesn’t stop with our job. And so it becomes tricky to step away from our work.
And to the high-achievers among you, I see you. Having work become a big part of their life can be a source of motivation and drive. It's a way to prove yourself and leave a mark on the world. Success at work can be a way of feeling validated and demonstrating your value.
No wonder, then, that our identity is so wrapped up with work.
The psychological phenomenon of enmeshment.
Psychologists have a name for what is happening here: Enmeshment.
While the term enmeshment can describe intertwined identities between people, in this context, it refers to the fusion of one's identity with one's career.
It's the phenomenon where the boundaries between an individual's professional and personal life become blurred, leading to their work identity taking over their personal identity. Individuals become so closely identified with their job that their interests, values, and hobbies become less important.
The key signs of enmeshment are:
The lines separating work life from personal life become unclear.
Symptoms might include sleepless nights ruminating over a work problem; checking your work e-mails first thing in the morning, cancelling private appointments due to work commitments; and talking about work with friends/family all the time.
An individual's professional identity becomes the primary way they see themselves.
Symptoms include having no (or no significant) personal interests and hobbies. At the extreme end of this spectrum, you might only cycle between your work desk, the kitchen table and bed (and picking up children in-between). The way you define yourself is through your work.
The adverse effects of attaching your identity to your work.
When this happens, your sense of self-worth can heavily rely on their career.
You might
internalise work criticism as a personal failure,
primarily present yourself through work,
have difficulty unplugging;
constantly have work-related thoughts;
experienced strained relationships due to work demands.
Even while being employed, that over-identification with work can lead to negative consequences, including burnout, anxiety, and depression.
But when you lose your job, take a break, or relocate to another country, this can feel like an identity lost. In the worst case, like mine, it can lead to a painful identity crisis as your sense of self is tied to your former role. Because what else is there …
4 key actions you can take today to stop work being your identity
1. Rediscover and actively pursue hobbies and interests outside of your work.
This is a key way to cultivate a sense of self that isn't tied to your job.
What hobbies or activities do you enjoy doing for pleasure?
I'm not talking about side hustles here that make you money. I'm talking about activities you do just for the joy of it.
In my case, I started swimming more intensely. Even took adult swimming classes to improve my technique.
Make time for activities that bring joy and fulfilment, such as painting, playing music, or hiking. These can help you develop a sense of purpose and identity that is not linked to your job.
Doing things you enjoy and are good at - outside of work – builds a sense of mastery and reminds you of your strengths beyond your work identity.
2. Make a conscious effort to nurture and prioritise personal relationships with family and friends.
Building strong relationships that aren't based on your professional identity is crucial for maintaining a sense of self-worth and belonging outside of your career.
Work can often displace relationships. If you had a job in social impact that takes you around the world, or you relocate a lot (like me), your network of friends might include many people from the same field.
Now, I'm not saying you should ditch your social impact friends.
But building a network and social circles that do not involve work colleagues is healthy.
(hint: this might be closely tied to point 1 above).
3. Take dedicated time for self-reflection to explore who you are becoming.
This involves disconnecting the entirety of yourself from your job title and asking yourself:
What are your core values? (related read: How to discover your values and avoid living by adopted values in your social impact career)
Who are you now?
Who are you becoming?
This reframes your identity as dynamic and ever-evolving.
Reflecting on your values and who you are in this life season can help guide you towards what's next and might open up new possibilities.
Coaching is a great way to support this process.
4. Shift your self-description to focus on your character and values.
How much of your self-description is tied to your job?
The way you talk about yourself can significantly influence how you see yourself.
Instead of leading with "what you do," try describing yourself based on how you feel, what makes you think differently, or your hobbies.
Think about alternative ways you can introduce yourself to a new person.
“A healthy sense of self is rooted in character, not career choice”
In summary,
If you're in employment: Establish and maintain clear boundaries between your work and personal life.
Workplace enmeshment happens when these boundaries become blurred. Hence, it is critical to set boundaries around work hours and dedicate time to personal pursuits. Taking breaks from screens and engaging in non-work-related activities after work are practical ways to reinforce these boundaries.
I know your work might feel urgent and essential. But taking care of yourself is not a betrayal of your values but necessary for sustainable impact.
If you're in between jobs or on a break: Maintain a boundary between that part of your day (your 'job to find new work') and other parts of your life.
Having a schedule that includes all of you, not just your work, is probably even more critical if you’re between work. We can put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be “productive” and always on. Having to spend 24/7 focused on finding your next thing might consume you. So even more so, finding a balance is essential.
(You might like this article 4 reasons to have a schedule and not a to-do list)
Your work (title/salary) is not your worth.
You have done nothing wrong if you feel a sense of identity loss right now. Societal pressures, competitive job markets, cultures of overwork, and even social media have contributed to our identity being increasingly tied to work. Add to that the pressure of a social impact career that incentivises long hours and achievement, further blurring the lines between personal and professional life.
My identity crisis was the catalyst for rediscovering what work means to me, how I want to live my life (and work within it) and what I enjoy doing.
You can do that too.
Ready to redefine your identity and design a new work-life? See if my coaching fits.
P.S: And, next time you meet someone, don't ask, "What do you do?" try a few more open-ended and engaging alternatives:
What's a hobby of yours?
What's something interesting you've learned recently?
What's a memorable experience you've had this year?
How do you like to spend your weekends?
What's your favourite way to unwind?
Article sources and further reading:
What happens when your career becomes your whole identity
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